IUI #1: BFN

I did an HPT this morning and it couldn't have been more negative. I wasn't really surprised after the cramping and spotting I had yesterday. My bbs still hurt, which is from having high progesterone and my temp was really high this morning. Apparently, my body is all messed up.

So, now for the fun part. All of these people, family and friends, are waiting to see if this procedure, that most (basically all) of them know nothing about, was successful. They have no idea that having to use a medical procedure to get pregnant is such a defeating feeling. And then when that doesn't work, imagine the defeat we are feeling today. I'll just put on my happy, positive face that most of them have come to believe is really me and tell them, "No, not this time, we'll just try again." I'll use my happy, "I'm so optimistic", voice, trying to convince them that I'm doing just great. What they can't see is how sad I am today. How I laid in bed after I took my HPT this morning and cried, realizing that all of the pain, both physical and mental, that I went through this past cycle, was for nothing. And even worse, I have to endure it again. But, this time, I'll be working. I won't have the leisure of laying on the couch when my ovaries are in so much pain. I'll have to take time off of work, which I don't have much of, just to get pregnant.

Last night, at the grocery store, there was a woman who was at least 6 months pregnant and had 4 other children just screaming and acting crazy. All they wanted was her attention. But, she was too busy smoking her cigarette and talking to her friends, who all looked like crack whores. Most likely, they all have children that they just left at home to take care of themselves. When I saw her, I wanted nothing more than to yell at her. Explain that her children wanted her attention and her unborn child really didn't want to smoke. But, Chad and I just walked past and laughed under our breath at her actions. We saw the insanity in the situation, and now find it funny that crack whores can get pregnant working as prostitutes and I can't even successfully pay my doctor to knock me up. Really, it's comical.

My next career move: Crack Whore. I realize that we will both have to quit our jobs for this to work. We will then apply for welfare. As soon as we are accepted for welfare, I know the pregnancies will begin. We'll probably have 4 kids in the next 4 years. Really, we're excited about it.

In all seriousness, after today, I'll be fine. I'll call my doctor and take more drugs, that will make my ovaries more painful than I could have ever imagined possible. We'll both take our vitamins and make sure to do it at the same time everyday. We'll do this without blinking because we so desperately want a sibling for Ayden. Will it work this time? We just don't know. We are willing to spend the money for that chance. The odds are not great that it will work. But, we'll stay positive and pray.