Well, I'm back. It's been quite awhile since I've posted. Life has been busy and I've been trying to obsess WAY less about ttc. Rather, I've filled my time enjoying my son. It has been wonderful. I don't really know how I would have made it this far in my ttc journey without him.
That being said, we are on to another ttc adventure. We are planning on doing another IUI, but rather than using the dreaded Clomid again, we'll be using some injectables. They are way more potent and create better quality eggs. They can also create higher order multiples, but I am willing to take on whatever God has in store for us.
I plan on keeping this updated as we tread through this unchartered territory. I'm not sure what to expect. I know there will be daily shots and tons of ultrasounds. I'll assume, like with all other fertility things we've tried, there will be an emotional roller coaster thrown in there, too. But, I feel like I'm much better prepared for what to expect this IUI. Perhaps, it's because I've been through it a couple of times before and know not to get my hopes up. Whatever the outcome over the next couple of months, I know it will be another chance for me to learn more about myself and my capabilities to cope with a lot more than I ever thought possible.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Ayden's first week at school...
This was Ayden's first week at preschool. So, I've been busy getting him to school, picking him up and hanging out with him before he heads to bed. Then, I just crash from being incredibly tired. Seriously, I'm pooped. Between being back at work and playing with my little man, I've run out of energy to do anything for myself, including post on here. So, while ttc is on hold for this month, I'll just try to post once a week.
We decided that ttc could be on hold for this month. I took the Clomid, but my u/s was going to be really early because of the weekend and I really couldn't miss 2 days this early in the school year. Next month, I'll need the break from the kids, but I need to be at work now. It's actually nice to have something to get my mind off of ttc. Funny though, people actually think that Clomid alone will work. I've had 3 people now tell me, well maybe this will be all you need...um no. Seriously people. I've tried Clomid alone 7 times and it's never led to anything resembling a pregnancy. Just when I am keeping my hopes down, people try to get them up. I just want one month of not talking about ttc. So, this is the month for that. Next month, IUI here I come. For now, no ttc talk. So, my blog will not refer to ttc for 2 1/2 weeks when AF comes again.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
cd 1...again!
I am officially starting my 48 cycle of ttc. How lovely. I really thought I'd wallow in my sorrow for much longer, and planned on using it for all it was worth. Unfortunately, my plan failed. For some unknown reason, I woke up on cd1 in a good mood. I stayed with me throughout the day. WTH?
I will definitely not be as optimistic as I was before I started the IUI process. Besides writing about it here, I probably won't talk about it much. The whole hope thing is a pisser. I mean, without it, I probably wouldn't still be trying after 47 cycles. But, with it, I've been upset 47 times. I just have to remember that every cycle that doesn't result in a pregnancy is just one more closer to my BFP. (There goes that damn' hope thing again.)
To keep my mind off of things, I decided to go back to work...okay, summer's done and I was forced to go back. Otherwise, the rugrats would be running around my room without supervision and that's a big no-no! It was my second day back today and things went really well. So far, the kids are great. Of course, like I said, it was the second day. I'm sure their true colors will start to come out soon. Luckily, we only have 70 kids this year. We had over 100 last year and that resulted in HUGE class sizes. It definitely has made my room cooler and less smelly after gym class. Don't get me wrong, they still stink, but it's only 16 bodies smelling like sweaty teenager funk as opposed to 30. Trust me, it makes an enormous difference!
The normal teacher bitch fest has begun, as well. Seriously, if they hate their freaking job so much, find another. I usually stay out of these. These teachers seem so worn out and tired, so I figure they spend too much time bitching and not enough time doing their jobs. It would make me tired too. Don't get me wrong. I do my share of complaining. It's just not about my students. I like them, most of the time.
Maybe the reason I was in a good mood this morning is that I was actually going to a job that I enjoy. I mean, who wouldn't love to hang out with smelly, hormonal teenagers all day?!
I will definitely not be as optimistic as I was before I started the IUI process. Besides writing about it here, I probably won't talk about it much. The whole hope thing is a pisser. I mean, without it, I probably wouldn't still be trying after 47 cycles. But, with it, I've been upset 47 times. I just have to remember that every cycle that doesn't result in a pregnancy is just one more closer to my BFP. (There goes that damn' hope thing again.)
To keep my mind off of things, I decided to go back to work...okay, summer's done and I was forced to go back. Otherwise, the rugrats would be running around my room without supervision and that's a big no-no! It was my second day back today and things went really well. So far, the kids are great. Of course, like I said, it was the second day. I'm sure their true colors will start to come out soon. Luckily, we only have 70 kids this year. We had over 100 last year and that resulted in HUGE class sizes. It definitely has made my room cooler and less smelly after gym class. Don't get me wrong, they still stink, but it's only 16 bodies smelling like sweaty teenager funk as opposed to 30. Trust me, it makes an enormous difference!
The normal teacher bitch fest has begun, as well. Seriously, if they hate their freaking job so much, find another. I usually stay out of these. These teachers seem so worn out and tired, so I figure they spend too much time bitching and not enough time doing their jobs. It would make me tired too. Don't get me wrong. I do my share of complaining. It's just not about my students. I like them, most of the time.
Maybe the reason I was in a good mood this morning is that I was actually going to a job that I enjoy. I mean, who wouldn't love to hang out with smelly, hormonal teenagers all day?!
Monday, August 27, 2007
First Day of the New School Year
Today was our work day and it really helped me get my mind off of ttc and onto other issues, finally! This year should be really wonderful. We have a total of 73 7th graders. This is VERY low compared to last year with 115 students. My largest class is 23 and the others all number in the teens. I am really looking forward to making some huge gains with my state test scores. With numbers like this, it will be so easy to keep the kids on task. Okay, keeping a 7th grader on task is a relatively difficult job, but with small classes, it will be much easier.
Our day started with mundane meetings and a wonderful catered breakfast. It was at this breakfast that an assistant principal (who I used to work under) asked me about my "baby". I told her that he was 4 and getting ready to start preschool. She couldn't believe that he was 4 already; neither can I most days. Then, the inevitable question, "Isn't it time you started on another?" My actual reply was much kinder than the ones in my head. Then, I realized that it was just conversation and she didn't really mean anything by it. I looked at my co-worker, who happens to be 9 months pregnant, and told her that I was gonna buy a shirt that reads, "I'm trying, quit asking." Seriously, if I had a penny for every time I was asked this question...
So, it's a fresh start. I think I learned a lot from this past cycle. One, never trust psychics. (Long story, I'll just leave it at that!) Two, even the most perfect cycle will not necessarily result in a baby. Three, I will never do IVF. Seriously, we spent around $1000 for the IUI and that really pissed my wallet off when it failed. Imagine spending $10,000 and having that fail too. I think not. Four, Chad was just as disappointed this month as I was, finally. Lastly, there's always another cycle. Unless I hit menopause, then, I'm SOL. We'll just assume that won't be an issue. But, you know what they say about assuming...
Our day started with mundane meetings and a wonderful catered breakfast. It was at this breakfast that an assistant principal (who I used to work under) asked me about my "baby". I told her that he was 4 and getting ready to start preschool. She couldn't believe that he was 4 already; neither can I most days. Then, the inevitable question, "Isn't it time you started on another?" My actual reply was much kinder than the ones in my head. Then, I realized that it was just conversation and she didn't really mean anything by it. I looked at my co-worker, who happens to be 9 months pregnant, and told her that I was gonna buy a shirt that reads, "I'm trying, quit asking." Seriously, if I had a penny for every time I was asked this question...
So, it's a fresh start. I think I learned a lot from this past cycle. One, never trust psychics. (Long story, I'll just leave it at that!) Two, even the most perfect cycle will not necessarily result in a baby. Three, I will never do IVF. Seriously, we spent around $1000 for the IUI and that really pissed my wallet off when it failed. Imagine spending $10,000 and having that fail too. I think not. Four, Chad was just as disappointed this month as I was, finally. Lastly, there's always another cycle. Unless I hit menopause, then, I'm SOL. We'll just assume that won't be an issue. But, you know what they say about assuming...
Sunday, August 26, 2007
IUI #1: BFN
I did an HPT this morning and it couldn't have been more negative. I wasn't really surprised after the cramping and spotting I had yesterday. My bbs still hurt, which is from having high progesterone and my temp was really high this morning. Apparently, my body is all messed up.
So, now for the fun part. All of these people, family and friends, are waiting to see if this procedure, that most (basically all) of them know nothing about, was successful. They have no idea that having to use a medical procedure to get pregnant is such a defeating feeling. And then when that doesn't work, imagine the defeat we are feeling today. I'll just put on my happy, positive face that most of them have come to believe is really me and tell them, "No, not this time, we'll just try again." I'll use my happy, "I'm so optimistic", voice, trying to convince them that I'm doing just great. What they can't see is how sad I am today. How I laid in bed after I took my HPT this morning and cried, realizing that all of the pain, both physical and mental, that I went through this past cycle, was for nothing. And even worse, I have to endure it again. But, this time, I'll be working. I won't have the leisure of laying on the couch when my ovaries are in so much pain. I'll have to take time off of work, which I don't have much of, just to get pregnant.
Last night, at the grocery store, there was a woman who was at least 6 months pregnant and had 4 other children just screaming and acting crazy. All they wanted was her attention. But, she was too busy smoking her cigarette and talking to her friends, who all looked like crack whores. Most likely, they all have children that they just left at home to take care of themselves. When I saw her, I wanted nothing more than to yell at her. Explain that her children wanted her attention and her unborn child really didn't want to smoke. But, Chad and I just walked past and laughed under our breath at her actions. We saw the insanity in the situation, and now find it funny that crack whores can get pregnant working as prostitutes and I can't even successfully pay my doctor to knock me up. Really, it's comical.
My next career move: Crack Whore. I realize that we will both have to quit our jobs for this to work. We will then apply for welfare. As soon as we are accepted for welfare, I know the pregnancies will begin. We'll probably have 4 kids in the next 4 years. Really, we're excited about it.
In all seriousness, after today, I'll be fine. I'll call my doctor and take more drugs, that will make my ovaries more painful than I could have ever imagined possible. We'll both take our vitamins and make sure to do it at the same time everyday. We'll do this without blinking because we so desperately want a sibling for Ayden. Will it work this time? We just don't know. We are willing to spend the money for that chance. The odds are not great that it will work. But, we'll stay positive and pray.
So, now for the fun part. All of these people, family and friends, are waiting to see if this procedure, that most (basically all) of them know nothing about, was successful. They have no idea that having to use a medical procedure to get pregnant is such a defeating feeling. And then when that doesn't work, imagine the defeat we are feeling today. I'll just put on my happy, positive face that most of them have come to believe is really me and tell them, "No, not this time, we'll just try again." I'll use my happy, "I'm so optimistic", voice, trying to convince them that I'm doing just great. What they can't see is how sad I am today. How I laid in bed after I took my HPT this morning and cried, realizing that all of the pain, both physical and mental, that I went through this past cycle, was for nothing. And even worse, I have to endure it again. But, this time, I'll be working. I won't have the leisure of laying on the couch when my ovaries are in so much pain. I'll have to take time off of work, which I don't have much of, just to get pregnant.
Last night, at the grocery store, there was a woman who was at least 6 months pregnant and had 4 other children just screaming and acting crazy. All they wanted was her attention. But, she was too busy smoking her cigarette and talking to her friends, who all looked like crack whores. Most likely, they all have children that they just left at home to take care of themselves. When I saw her, I wanted nothing more than to yell at her. Explain that her children wanted her attention and her unborn child really didn't want to smoke. But, Chad and I just walked past and laughed under our breath at her actions. We saw the insanity in the situation, and now find it funny that crack whores can get pregnant working as prostitutes and I can't even successfully pay my doctor to knock me up. Really, it's comical.
My next career move: Crack Whore. I realize that we will both have to quit our jobs for this to work. We will then apply for welfare. As soon as we are accepted for welfare, I know the pregnancies will begin. We'll probably have 4 kids in the next 4 years. Really, we're excited about it.
In all seriousness, after today, I'll be fine. I'll call my doctor and take more drugs, that will make my ovaries more painful than I could have ever imagined possible. We'll both take our vitamins and make sure to do it at the same time everyday. We'll do this without blinking because we so desperately want a sibling for Ayden. Will it work this time? We just don't know. We are willing to spend the money for that chance. The odds are not great that it will work. But, we'll stay positive and pray.
Friday, August 24, 2007
Razor tits...what's this all about?
My old gyno, who was a horses ass, told me that I would know I was pregnant when my boobs hurt so badly I couldn't stand it. Since this comment made 3 years ago, my obsession with "boob poking" began; my own of course. Month after month, I pushed and prodded the girls. Nothing. Every once in awhile, I'd have minor soreness before AF and just "know" it was the sign I'd been waiting for. Then, AF would come.
I've also come to learn in the last 3 1/2 years, that boobs get bigger when one is successfully knocked up. With my pregnancy in November, I grew an entire cup size in the first week after I found out I was pregnant. So, now, I not only prod my girls, but I cup them in my hand to determine even a centimeters worth of growth. After about 6 months of this new obsession, I realized that they grow a little right before AF. This would be an unreliable test.
This leads me to today. Yes, I've been poking and prodding this week. Sadly, when I wake up in the middle of the night, I sit straight up (just in case it doesn't work when I'm laying down) and poke the girls. Everyday this week, the pain has been progressing from day to day. The average person, would find this a rather annoying occurance. I, on the other hand, find it incrediably exciting. This afternoon, incrediably sore boobs. Tonight, after a small bout of nausea, perhaps from downing two PB&J sandwiches, I have razor nipps. This, I swear is NOT an exaggeration. It actually feels like razor blades are coming out of my nipps. And, the most AWESOME news: I don't have to poke them to have the razor blade sensation, it's just constantly there...aren't I a lucky gal?!
Clearly, I need to stay calm and not get ahead of myself. As one of my FC girls explained, I've gone from obsessed to crazy! I totally agree. So, this weekend, I can't necessarialy promise not to prod the girls during waking hours, but I will TRY not to bother them during my beauty rest.
I've also come to learn in the last 3 1/2 years, that boobs get bigger when one is successfully knocked up. With my pregnancy in November, I grew an entire cup size in the first week after I found out I was pregnant. So, now, I not only prod my girls, but I cup them in my hand to determine even a centimeters worth of growth. After about 6 months of this new obsession, I realized that they grow a little right before AF. This would be an unreliable test.
This leads me to today. Yes, I've been poking and prodding this week. Sadly, when I wake up in the middle of the night, I sit straight up (just in case it doesn't work when I'm laying down) and poke the girls. Everyday this week, the pain has been progressing from day to day. The average person, would find this a rather annoying occurance. I, on the other hand, find it incrediably exciting. This afternoon, incrediably sore boobs. Tonight, after a small bout of nausea, perhaps from downing two PB&J sandwiches, I have razor nipps. This, I swear is NOT an exaggeration. It actually feels like razor blades are coming out of my nipps. And, the most AWESOME news: I don't have to poke them to have the razor blade sensation, it's just constantly there...aren't I a lucky gal?!
Clearly, I need to stay calm and not get ahead of myself. As one of my FC girls explained, I've gone from obsessed to crazy! I totally agree. So, this weekend, I can't necessarialy promise not to prod the girls during waking hours, but I will TRY not to bother them during my beauty rest.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Back in the real world!
Today felt soooo good! I was with ADULTS! I'm just excited that they still exist. I've been cooped up in my house for over a week with 4-legged animals and 4 year olds...not fun! Although I'll miss being with Ayden, it's toward the end of the summer when I realize how much I LOVE my job. I think I'm pretty lucky to be able to say that, as many people probably can't do the same.
So, onto the important stuff...today I'm 10dpiui and my boobs hurt so bad. I bumped them on the table at the meeting and it hurt!! So, of course I had to keep doing it throughout the course of the meeting to make sure they still hurt. So, is the boob pain from poking and prodding, possibly. I also have wicked gas. Besides that, I'm feeling pretty normal.
I got my cd 21 progesterone results back and they were 40! That is wonderful! They like to see it over 15 on a medicated cycle. So, after I learned of the results, I promised myself that I would NOT obsess and research on the Internet about it...that only lasted an hour. As soon as everyone was in bed, I was a researching fool. I do know that pregnancy cannot be predicted from having a high progesterone, but it means that I will have enough heat in my incubator to grow a little baby! I did come across one study, which looked professional enough, and it said that it did see a correlation between high progesterone and pregnancy...so, again, we wait!
So, onto the important stuff...today I'm 10dpiui and my boobs hurt so bad. I bumped them on the table at the meeting and it hurt!! So, of course I had to keep doing it throughout the course of the meeting to make sure they still hurt. So, is the boob pain from poking and prodding, possibly. I also have wicked gas. Besides that, I'm feeling pretty normal.
I got my cd 21 progesterone results back and they were 40! That is wonderful! They like to see it over 15 on a medicated cycle. So, after I learned of the results, I promised myself that I would NOT obsess and research on the Internet about it...that only lasted an hour. As soon as everyone was in bed, I was a researching fool. I do know that pregnancy cannot be predicted from having a high progesterone, but it means that I will have enough heat in my incubator to grow a little baby! I did come across one study, which looked professional enough, and it said that it did see a correlation between high progesterone and pregnancy...so, again, we wait!
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
9 dpiui
My bbs have taken on a life of their own. Seriously, they're HUGE! They don't hurt, unless I push really hard, but that could be from the bruising I've caused from pushing...hummm? Other than that, I have ZERO symptoms that my body is doing anything. I guess that's good. PMS sucks, and I'd rather not have that. I'm just trying to stay positive and relax...but I haven't figured out the relax thing yet.
On another note, my doggie is sick. It started yesterday with Lucy. I just figured that she ate something that she shouldn't have. When Chad came downstairs yesterday morning, she was laying in puke and poo. So, after a bath, I took her outside. It was rainning pretty hard and she just looked at me, as if to say, "Why are we out here in this mess?" So, we went back inside and I put her in her crate. Every 30 minutes, I took her back out. She just looked at me. We did this for 3 hours...I was fed up. Finally, she figured out that we weren't out there for a circus, did her "thing" and I let her run free in the house.
So, today, Ayden and I went into work so I could get a few things done. We were gone for 3 hours, so we crated Lucy and left Scout out to sleep on the couch. When we came home it smelled like a porta john. Seriously, nasty. Scout had somehow crawled into her cage with Lucy, as they were both locked up now and one of them had pooped on the wall and puked on Lucy. I got ahold of Chad who informed me that he came home to let them out, and Scout had runny poo all over the floor, so he crated her with Lucy. And he continues to explain that he had to wear gloves and put vick's up his nose to clean it up...oh please! Well, apparently, Scout was now sick. Off Lucy went for her umpteenth bath this week and Scout went outside to continue pooing. Well, when she came back in, she was very warm. She has a fever and looks like crap...literally. Lucy is now pouting because her play mate isn't feeling well. As I was sitting at the computer, checking my e-mail, I smelled something that was beyond foul. Oh, more puke. I guess Scout won't be having dinner tonight.
Another LOVELY day in the Cupples house!
On another note, my doggie is sick. It started yesterday with Lucy. I just figured that she ate something that she shouldn't have. When Chad came downstairs yesterday morning, she was laying in puke and poo. So, after a bath, I took her outside. It was rainning pretty hard and she just looked at me, as if to say, "Why are we out here in this mess?" So, we went back inside and I put her in her crate. Every 30 minutes, I took her back out. She just looked at me. We did this for 3 hours...I was fed up. Finally, she figured out that we weren't out there for a circus, did her "thing" and I let her run free in the house.
So, today, Ayden and I went into work so I could get a few things done. We were gone for 3 hours, so we crated Lucy and left Scout out to sleep on the couch. When we came home it smelled like a porta john. Seriously, nasty. Scout had somehow crawled into her cage with Lucy, as they were both locked up now and one of them had pooped on the wall and puked on Lucy. I got ahold of Chad who informed me that he came home to let them out, and Scout had runny poo all over the floor, so he crated her with Lucy. And he continues to explain that he had to wear gloves and put vick's up his nose to clean it up...oh please! Well, apparently, Scout was now sick. Off Lucy went for her umpteenth bath this week and Scout went outside to continue pooing. Well, when she came back in, she was very warm. She has a fever and looks like crap...literally. Lucy is now pouting because her play mate isn't feeling well. As I was sitting at the computer, checking my e-mail, I smelled something that was beyond foul. Oh, more puke. I guess Scout won't be having dinner tonight.
Another LOVELY day in the Cupples house!
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
8dpiui (past IUI)
Finally, I'm up and running again! My computer wouldn't let me log on for the entire week. Perhaps, that was a good thing, as I didn't have to obsess over my every symptom, either real of made up!
I've been keeping busy...laying on the couch, watching TV, playing with Ayden...just being a good incubator! Chad thinks I'm nuts, but seriously, I'm not taking a chance this time. I don't really have any reason to think that this IUI worked or didn't work. I had some cramping yesterday and my bbs hurt today. Perhaps it's a good thing, but it could also be PMS. Who knows with my body.
I am trying to just get through the week without giving my new puppy away. She thinks that she is supposed to go potty in the house. When I take her out, she just looks at me like I'm an idiot and she comes right back in and pees on the floor...I thought Border Collies were smart. So, now, when she doesn't pee when we go outside, she goes in her crate when we come back inside and I take her out every 30 minutes until she does and thing that resembles poop or pee. She actually spent 3 house in her crate this morning...IMO, she's an idiot.
To make matters worse, she is sick and puked and pooed all over her crate last night and needed a bath first thing this morning. Seriously gross.
I've been keeping busy...laying on the couch, watching TV, playing with Ayden...just being a good incubator! Chad thinks I'm nuts, but seriously, I'm not taking a chance this time. I don't really have any reason to think that this IUI worked or didn't work. I had some cramping yesterday and my bbs hurt today. Perhaps it's a good thing, but it could also be PMS. Who knows with my body.
I am trying to just get through the week without giving my new puppy away. She thinks that she is supposed to go potty in the house. When I take her out, she just looks at me like I'm an idiot and she comes right back in and pees on the floor...I thought Border Collies were smart. So, now, when she doesn't pee when we go outside, she goes in her crate when we come back inside and I take her out every 30 minutes until she does and thing that resembles poop or pee. She actually spent 3 house in her crate this morning...IMO, she's an idiot.
To make matters worse, she is sick and puked and pooed all over her crate last night and needed a bath first thing this morning. Seriously gross.
Monday, August 13, 2007
I've been turkey basted!
Today was the big day! I choose to believe that this is the day that we have conceived our baby. I feel really good about this whole process. Let me rewind a couple of days, back to the day we triggered.
Saturday was the day we were to trigger at 9:30pm. Before this, we met friends for dinner at Cheesecake Factory...yummy! I was fully aware that we were on a strict time restraint. I knew that we'd have to wait awhile to be seated, so I was pretty calm when we were told it would be a 60 minute wait. Actually, this was pretty good for CF! We were seated and ordered our food soon after. We waited and waited and waited. I kept asking Chad what time it was since we needed to be back by 9:30. I'm sure that our friends thought I was a freak and really didn't want to be there, since I kept a time table going the entire time! An hour and a half later, our food came. Seriously, ridiculous. We devoured our meal and skipped the cheesecake. On our race home (it's past 9:30 at this point) I kept reasoning with myself. I knew that the IUI has the best chance if it is timed perfectly with ovulation. My appointment for IUI was a 9am the following Monday, so I knew we needed to get the trigger done ASAP. Finally, I took a deep breath and turned it over to God. There wasn't a darn thing I could do to get us back any sooner. Trust me, I tried telepathically sending us home a couple of times. So, I said a little prayer that God knew what he was doing and remembered what a wonderful time we had visiting our friends and I just relaxed.
Anyone who knows me well, is fully aware of my fear of needles. Actually, to say fear, is a mild explanation. I kid you not, I was flipping out in my head over this trigger shot. Chad tried to reassure me that he had done this before, but his eyes read differently. He actually did a great job, and kindly explained afterwards that this was his first real shot that he'd ever given...no kidding.
The wait began. I was a nervous wreck that somehow I'd ovulate too early. I ALWAYS ovulate on cd12 or 13 on clomid. I just had to make it one more day and I'd be golden. Luckily, I had a lot going on to keep my mind busy, ie my cousins riding their 4 wheelers around the yard...fun family moments. It was actually a great learning experience. I realized that my "little" cousins, are all grown up and my "littlest" cousin, Eli, actually has a calmer, less spastic side to him. I mean, he's never been spastic like ADHD spastic, but he's a goof ball. So, I won't say that I wasn't FREAKING out when he took Ayden around the yard for a ride. But, like I said, it took my mind off of other pressing issues, so I was grateful! Love ya Eli!
When I laid down to sleep last night, I realized that I had made it. I didn't ovulate early. I was still in massive pain from the eggs hanging off my ovaries. Rock on!
We got up at 6:30am and headed to the "collection" lab. I can definitely say it was one of the oddest places that I've gone. There was another woman, about my age, in the waiting room waiting on her husband. I felt like we transformed into a couple of school girls, giggling every time a man went into the back office. "We know what your doing!" Seriously, it was weird. Weider yet, was looking at the men when they left the office. Icky!
When Chad was done leaving his "sample" to be washed and analyzed (what a lovely job that would be) we went and got breakfast. It was then that I realized that my appointment was at 9am but I didn't trigger until 9:50pm a couple nights ago. Yes, I freaked over 50 minutes. I just wanted the entire thing to be perfect. Again, I said a little prayer that God knew what he was up to, and left it in His hands.
We arrived at the office at 8:45 and waited with all of the other patients who had put all of their hopes of becoming parents in the skilled hands of these doctors. You could feel the excitement of some and the apprehension of others, who had been let down too many months before. I watched the clock go past 9am. Then, before I knew it it was 9:30. I still hadn't felt myself ovulate. Could this really be working out so perfectly. I had this peace about me that I really have never felt before. I was actually calm. We were called back a little after 9:30 and went to the room where we would be inseminated. I was a little nervous about the procedure. I had heard from other women that it was really painful. But, hey, I've had a baby and been through labor twice, technically, and survived just fine. There couldn't be a pain more severe than that!
Our RE came in at 9:45 and read us the information on Chad's boys. They would be injecting 33 million perfectly awesome swimmers. Up in the stirrups I went..."OH, your mucus is BEAUTIFUL! Go tell all your friends!" Only a RE could make something so repulsive sound so wonderful! Next, I heard, "Swim boys, SWIM!" It was over, that was it. I didn't even know he had started and it was over. And then mere seconds after the RE left the exam room, I felt a pop and a burn and I knew that I was ovulating. Perfect timing. Thank you God.
Now I'm in the 2ww, which for most ttc'ers is the hardest part of the waiting game. I plan on taking it easy for the next week and thinking fertile thoughts. So...swim boys, swim!
Saturday was the day we were to trigger at 9:30pm. Before this, we met friends for dinner at Cheesecake Factory...yummy! I was fully aware that we were on a strict time restraint. I knew that we'd have to wait awhile to be seated, so I was pretty calm when we were told it would be a 60 minute wait. Actually, this was pretty good for CF! We were seated and ordered our food soon after. We waited and waited and waited. I kept asking Chad what time it was since we needed to be back by 9:30. I'm sure that our friends thought I was a freak and really didn't want to be there, since I kept a time table going the entire time! An hour and a half later, our food came. Seriously, ridiculous. We devoured our meal and skipped the cheesecake. On our race home (it's past 9:30 at this point) I kept reasoning with myself. I knew that the IUI has the best chance if it is timed perfectly with ovulation. My appointment for IUI was a 9am the following Monday, so I knew we needed to get the trigger done ASAP. Finally, I took a deep breath and turned it over to God. There wasn't a darn thing I could do to get us back any sooner. Trust me, I tried telepathically sending us home a couple of times. So, I said a little prayer that God knew what he was doing and remembered what a wonderful time we had visiting our friends and I just relaxed.
Anyone who knows me well, is fully aware of my fear of needles. Actually, to say fear, is a mild explanation. I kid you not, I was flipping out in my head over this trigger shot. Chad tried to reassure me that he had done this before, but his eyes read differently. He actually did a great job, and kindly explained afterwards that this was his first real shot that he'd ever given...no kidding.
The wait began. I was a nervous wreck that somehow I'd ovulate too early. I ALWAYS ovulate on cd12 or 13 on clomid. I just had to make it one more day and I'd be golden. Luckily, I had a lot going on to keep my mind busy, ie my cousins riding their 4 wheelers around the yard...fun family moments. It was actually a great learning experience. I realized that my "little" cousins, are all grown up and my "littlest" cousin, Eli, actually has a calmer, less spastic side to him. I mean, he's never been spastic like ADHD spastic, but he's a goof ball. So, I won't say that I wasn't FREAKING out when he took Ayden around the yard for a ride. But, like I said, it took my mind off of other pressing issues, so I was grateful! Love ya Eli!
When I laid down to sleep last night, I realized that I had made it. I didn't ovulate early. I was still in massive pain from the eggs hanging off my ovaries. Rock on!
We got up at 6:30am and headed to the "collection" lab. I can definitely say it was one of the oddest places that I've gone. There was another woman, about my age, in the waiting room waiting on her husband. I felt like we transformed into a couple of school girls, giggling every time a man went into the back office. "We know what your doing!" Seriously, it was weird. Weider yet, was looking at the men when they left the office. Icky!
When Chad was done leaving his "sample" to be washed and analyzed (what a lovely job that would be) we went and got breakfast. It was then that I realized that my appointment was at 9am but I didn't trigger until 9:50pm a couple nights ago. Yes, I freaked over 50 minutes. I just wanted the entire thing to be perfect. Again, I said a little prayer that God knew what he was up to, and left it in His hands.
We arrived at the office at 8:45 and waited with all of the other patients who had put all of their hopes of becoming parents in the skilled hands of these doctors. You could feel the excitement of some and the apprehension of others, who had been let down too many months before. I watched the clock go past 9am. Then, before I knew it it was 9:30. I still hadn't felt myself ovulate. Could this really be working out so perfectly. I had this peace about me that I really have never felt before. I was actually calm. We were called back a little after 9:30 and went to the room where we would be inseminated. I was a little nervous about the procedure. I had heard from other women that it was really painful. But, hey, I've had a baby and been through labor twice, technically, and survived just fine. There couldn't be a pain more severe than that!
Our RE came in at 9:45 and read us the information on Chad's boys. They would be injecting 33 million perfectly awesome swimmers. Up in the stirrups I went..."OH, your mucus is BEAUTIFUL! Go tell all your friends!" Only a RE could make something so repulsive sound so wonderful! Next, I heard, "Swim boys, SWIM!" It was over, that was it. I didn't even know he had started and it was over. And then mere seconds after the RE left the exam room, I felt a pop and a burn and I knew that I was ovulating. Perfect timing. Thank you God.
Now I'm in the 2ww, which for most ttc'ers is the hardest part of the waiting game. I plan on taking it easy for the next week and thinking fertile thoughts. So...swim boys, swim!
Friday, August 10, 2007
U/S results
I had my u/s today and the results are GREAT!!!! I have 4 follies! One is too small and one of the others may not get big enough. So, there are definately 2 good ones that will drop. They measured 9, 13, 16 and 18mm. I will go in for the IUI on Monday. It really seems real now and I am beyond excited. I think Chad might even be getting excited about it too.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Oprah Today
On Oprah today, there was a 31 year old woman who is struggling with infertility. I was sure that it would be a tear jerker, as I would probably be able to relate with this woman on so many levels. She is after all, a teacher, like myself, who adores children. As I was watching her inject herself with hormones and get ready for IVF, I realized that, aside from teaching, the two of us had very little in common. Sure, I could empathize with her need for a child, as well as her miscarriage at 11 weeks. But, as I sat there watching her, terrified of never having children, I began to feel so incredible guilty.
As a child, my dream was to be a teacher and a mother. I realized, watching Oprah today, that I am both of those things. Just because I have one child and not multiple children, that doesn't make me any less of a mother. Quite frankly, if I were judged on a scale, I'd prefer to think I am a pretty damn' good mother. I mean, I only had one of the best mothers in the world to teach me.
So, I guess my lesson from today is, I am blessed and lucky to have the one perfect child that I do have. I am not really struggling to become a mother, like I'd had believed. It was kind of a relief to come to this realization, really.
As I wait for this coming IUI to get underway, I actually feel calm and truly blessed. Finally, something good has come out of all of this infertility stuff.
As a child, my dream was to be a teacher and a mother. I realized, watching Oprah today, that I am both of those things. Just because I have one child and not multiple children, that doesn't make me any less of a mother. Quite frankly, if I were judged on a scale, I'd prefer to think I am a pretty damn' good mother. I mean, I only had one of the best mothers in the world to teach me.
So, I guess my lesson from today is, I am blessed and lucky to have the one perfect child that I do have. I am not really struggling to become a mother, like I'd had believed. It was kind of a relief to come to this realization, really.
As I wait for this coming IUI to get underway, I actually feel calm and truly blessed. Finally, something good has come out of all of this infertility stuff.
Monday, August 6, 2007
Praying for the right thing...
I am a member of an Internet chat group that I'll call, FC for short. It is full of women who are ttc. Some have already found success and have babies. Others are still trying, some longer than me. It is a place where I found some of my dearest friends, and I've never even met these women. I found this group in January of 2006 when I was thinking of starting acupuncture. I found other women on the site who were contemplating the same thing. We all went through acupuncture 'together', none of us succeeding, but all of us finding a deep bond and friendship. It was at this same site where I found most of my support after my m/c. These women knew the right things to say, and when to stop and just listen. Even under unfortunate circumstances, I have found women, who have also m/c'ed and we are great friends. They don't question me when I find myself, 7 months after my m/c, crying and upset. They get it.
So, as I was looking around the site this evening, I came upon a post from another member that really struck a chord with me and is the answer that I've been looking for. This woman had a horrible time getting pregnant, staying pregnant and having her baby 11 weeks early. She gave a talk at her church about her journey to parenthood. She decided to post her speech for the women on the site, that we may find it encouraging and entertaining. The one thing that stood out is when she spoke about a time when she was talking with her mom about how she was praying for a baby and to be pregnant, but it just wasn't happening. Her mom told her that maybe, she was praying for the wrong thing.
So, I thought about this for awhile. Everyday for the past 3 1/2 years, I've prayed to be pregnant and have a healthy baby. My prayers became much louder after my m/c. I thought, maybe He couldn't hear me. So, before bed, my husband, my son and I all say, The Lord's Prayer and then ask God to bless our family with a baby.
I've noticed, in my 28 years on this planet, that I am NOT a patient person by any means. I have said all along that my lesson in all of this has been to become more patient. But, it hasn't happened yet. I am still stressed out each and every month. Even this week, I find myself stressed and impatient. Besides the Clomid, there isn't another reason for my stress and impatience. As I thought about my mood and the post from the woman at FC, I realized that I need to pray for patience and calmness. I guess my lesson should be that when the time is right, it really will happen. When you ask, and believe, you will receive. I think I need to trust my faith and really believe that it will happen. So, that is my new prayer, patience, calmness and to believe that God will bless me with a child, when the time is right.
So, as I was looking around the site this evening, I came upon a post from another member that really struck a chord with me and is the answer that I've been looking for. This woman had a horrible time getting pregnant, staying pregnant and having her baby 11 weeks early. She gave a talk at her church about her journey to parenthood. She decided to post her speech for the women on the site, that we may find it encouraging and entertaining. The one thing that stood out is when she spoke about a time when she was talking with her mom about how she was praying for a baby and to be pregnant, but it just wasn't happening. Her mom told her that maybe, she was praying for the wrong thing.
So, I thought about this for awhile. Everyday for the past 3 1/2 years, I've prayed to be pregnant and have a healthy baby. My prayers became much louder after my m/c. I thought, maybe He couldn't hear me. So, before bed, my husband, my son and I all say, The Lord's Prayer and then ask God to bless our family with a baby.
I've noticed, in my 28 years on this planet, that I am NOT a patient person by any means. I have said all along that my lesson in all of this has been to become more patient. But, it hasn't happened yet. I am still stressed out each and every month. Even this week, I find myself stressed and impatient. Besides the Clomid, there isn't another reason for my stress and impatience. As I thought about my mood and the post from the woman at FC, I realized that I need to pray for patience and calmness. I guess my lesson should be that when the time is right, it really will happen. When you ask, and believe, you will receive. I think I need to trust my faith and really believe that it will happen. So, that is my new prayer, patience, calmness and to believe that God will bless me with a child, when the time is right.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
cd 6
It's been a rough couple of days on Clomid this time. In the past, it hasn't really effected me until the 5th day. This time around, however, I've been a raging hormone. I have cried at nearly everything. Take for instance, when Ayden wrote my name on the sidewalk with his new sidewalk chalk. I couldn't figure out if I was touched in a motherly way, or if Clomid was making me react. I've also screamed at my poor husband quite a bit. Generally, I don't yell, but these past few days, I've been able to find a few occasions to scream at him. To the normal person, there was no reason for my screaming, but to my clomid induced tirade, it was completely appropriate.
So, I now just sit and wait. I have one more day of Clomid to take and then my u/s scheduled for Friday. I'm really hoping that this is our answer. If we were to get pregnant this month, Ayden will be nearly 5 when he becomes a big brother. I've heard that once there are 5 years between children, they'll both act like only children/oldest children. I keep telling myself that there isn't anything I can do about it. I can't turn back time. But, I can't stop asking myself if I could have done anything different this whole time. I'm not sure what it would be, but I could probably come up with something!
So, I now just sit and wait. I have one more day of Clomid to take and then my u/s scheduled for Friday. I'm really hoping that this is our answer. If we were to get pregnant this month, Ayden will be nearly 5 when he becomes a big brother. I've heard that once there are 5 years between children, they'll both act like only children/oldest children. I keep telling myself that there isn't anything I can do about it. I can't turn back time. But, I can't stop asking myself if I could have done anything different this whole time. I'm not sure what it would be, but I could probably come up with something!
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Clomid, Day 1 (cd 3)
The first baby making pill has been ingested. Pregnancy, here I come! That is my positive thinking for the day. The way I figure it, this should be my last AF for the next 10 months. For those of you who are asking what AF is, well, she is my dear Aunt Flow. So, naturally, it is a doozy! Seriously, if I were a betting man, (or a man at all), I would put money on the table that my endo is coming back. LOTS of cramps. Three days wasted just sitting on the couch with a heating pad, moaning and groaning for some stinking Aleve. Any sympathy from the males in my house...NONE. I still made dinner and cleaned up and played cars and trucks or whatever Ayden wanted to do. Chad just complained about not feeling good and being in a bad mood. He received ZERO sympathy from me, as well. The dog, well, that's another story.
We have a dog. She is a beautiful Doberman mix. We love her dearly, but we have yet to have her spayed. Soon, people, soon, quit asking. Anyway, the two of us moped around the house in pain together. Ya know what they say about women's cycles uniting when they are together a lot. Well, the dog and I are on the same cycle, it's just that hers only comes every 6 months. (This being her LAST one!) Anywho, the other night, (cd 1, to be exact ), as I am cramping, bloated and cranky, I am also running my butt off getting dinner ready. Finally, I sit down to eat. Chad walked into the dining room, glanced at our dog, looking pitiful in her crate, and he actually had the nerve to say, "Oh, she must really not feel well. Poor girl." WTF?! Um, hello, she has had 3, count them 3 AF's. I'm on my, oh let's see...started when I was 11 (August 26th to be exact), every 28 days for the last 17 years...221.6 AF's. GIVE ME A BREAK!
We have a dog. She is a beautiful Doberman mix. We love her dearly, but we have yet to have her spayed. Soon, people, soon, quit asking. Anyway, the two of us moped around the house in pain together. Ya know what they say about women's cycles uniting when they are together a lot. Well, the dog and I are on the same cycle, it's just that hers only comes every 6 months. (This being her LAST one!) Anywho, the other night, (cd 1, to be exact ), as I am cramping, bloated and cranky, I am also running my butt off getting dinner ready. Finally, I sit down to eat. Chad walked into the dining room, glanced at our dog, looking pitiful in her crate, and he actually had the nerve to say, "Oh, she must really not feel well. Poor girl." WTF?! Um, hello, she has had 3, count them 3 AF's. I'm on my, oh let's see...started when I was 11 (August 26th to be exact), every 28 days for the last 17 years...221.6 AF's. GIVE ME A BREAK!
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
cd 1
It's officially cd 1 for me! This is my last AF for the next 10 months. That is my attempt at positive thinking, not bad huh? I will schedule my u/s today for cd 11 most likely. I'll start pumping my system full of Clomid on Chad's birthday.
The hardest thing about ttc for me is leaving it in God's hands. I'm sure he has a plan that is just right for my family, but if he could clue me in, I wouldn't mind! I'm amazed at the lengths God goes to keep these things a secret from me. Seriously, it would lead to less stress, which has been proven to be the leading fertility killer. So, I keep repeating the verse, or the parts that I can remember, about asking and believing that you will receive and He will give it to you. So, I have made it quite clear in the last week that I REALLY want this and I believe I will receive it. I'm pretty sure that He heard my silent prayers not to get me pregnant until after July. I just wasn't ready to share my body with another baby. So, now that it's almost August, I'm ready!
The hardest thing about ttc for me is leaving it in God's hands. I'm sure he has a plan that is just right for my family, but if he could clue me in, I wouldn't mind! I'm amazed at the lengths God goes to keep these things a secret from me. Seriously, it would lead to less stress, which has been proven to be the leading fertility killer. So, I keep repeating the verse, or the parts that I can remember, about asking and believing that you will receive and He will give it to you. So, I have made it quite clear in the last week that I REALLY want this and I believe I will receive it. I'm pretty sure that He heard my silent prayers not to get me pregnant until after July. I just wasn't ready to share my body with another baby. So, now that it's almost August, I'm ready!
Monday, July 30, 2007
Okay, I've accepted it, I am fertility challenged!
I've never been considered a intellectual genius, but I really thought I'd have caught on sooner. Maybe it's my win or die life philosophy that has gotten me to this place. I really thought we could get pregnant the old fashioned way. I am seemingly healthy, with only the occasional chocolate binge and I exercise. Unfortunately, this is not the formula for fertility. I haven't quite figured that one out yet.
So, we are officially seeking help from a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). Now, don't get me wrong, we've been seeing the RE for the past 2 1/2 years, I am just as stubborn as they come and couldn't stand the thought of actually failing at ttc. Here is a brief history of our ttc journey:
January 2004-December 2004: Sex,sex, sex. This is also, not the formula for a baby. Your Sex Ed teacher lied to you...FYI.
January 2005-December 2005: testing out the wazoo, we're both seemingly normal. Diagnosis: Unexplained Fertility...What the hell is this?
January 2006- June 2006: Clomid: 6 months, acupuncture, Chinese herbs, massive research into Traditional Chinese Medicine...no baby.
July 2006: lap surgery shows stage II Endometriosis!! By George, we have a reason!
September 2006: Began to see a herbologist, aka by my husband as, "The Witch Doctor"
November 2006: BFP (Big Fat Positive, for those unchallenged at ttc) on a pregnancy test!!!! That crazy "witch doctor" wasn't so crazy after all!
December 13, 2006: m/c (miscarriage) of our baby at 8 weeks 3 days gestation.
Conclusion: A crack whore has less trouble getting pregnant...WTF?
Most of this year has been a time for me to get my head back to slightly normal after my m/c. I think I am officially there and we're trying an IUI (intrauterine insemination) this month. I will start clomid on cd(cycle day) 3-7 and have a u/s(ultrasound) on cd12 to see how many follies are growing. Then I'll give myself the trigger shot to trigger ovulation 36 hours after the shot and IUI will be timed to the exact moment of Ovulation. Fancy, huh?
So, we are officially seeking help from a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). Now, don't get me wrong, we've been seeing the RE for the past 2 1/2 years, I am just as stubborn as they come and couldn't stand the thought of actually failing at ttc. Here is a brief history of our ttc journey:
January 2004-December 2004: Sex,sex, sex. This is also, not the formula for a baby. Your Sex Ed teacher lied to you...FYI.
January 2005-December 2005: testing out the wazoo, we're both seemingly normal. Diagnosis: Unexplained Fertility...What the hell is this?
January 2006- June 2006: Clomid: 6 months, acupuncture, Chinese herbs, massive research into Traditional Chinese Medicine...no baby.
July 2006: lap surgery shows stage II Endometriosis!! By George, we have a reason!
September 2006: Began to see a herbologist, aka by my husband as, "The Witch Doctor"
November 2006: BFP (Big Fat Positive, for those unchallenged at ttc) on a pregnancy test!!!! That crazy "witch doctor" wasn't so crazy after all!
December 13, 2006: m/c (miscarriage) of our baby at 8 weeks 3 days gestation.
Conclusion: A crack whore has less trouble getting pregnant...WTF?
Most of this year has been a time for me to get my head back to slightly normal after my m/c. I think I am officially there and we're trying an IUI (intrauterine insemination) this month. I will start clomid on cd(cycle day) 3-7 and have a u/s(ultrasound) on cd12 to see how many follies are growing. Then I'll give myself the trigger shot to trigger ovulation 36 hours after the shot and IUI will be timed to the exact moment of Ovulation. Fancy, huh?
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